‘We think we understand, but we don’t’: Registered psychologist gives tools to help victims of domestic violence

Registered psychologist Lisa Rowbottom explains how to have difficult conversations about family and intimate partner violence.

According to Stats Canada, cases of intimate partner and family violence are higher in Alberta than the national average. Registered psychologist Lisa Rowbottom joined CTV Morning Live’s Kent Morrison for tools on navigating important, but difficult conversations.

This transcript has been edited for length and clarity.

Kent Morrison: If you know someone who is a victim of domestic violence, let’s start with what you should not do.

Lisa Rowbottom: The number one thing you should not do is get frustrated and withdraw. People don’t realize that there’s a lot of psychological mechanisms involved and a lot of manipulation, and it can take a long time for the person to be able to get out of the relationship. Oftentimes, people get frustrated and they start giving the person an ultimatum, like if you don’t stop talking to them or you don’t get away from them, then they’re never going to talk to you again. When you do that, you push the person into the arms of their abuser because they no longer have any other options of people they feel might care.

Kent: So it may feel like tough love from a loved one, but that’s not going to be the right strategy?

Lisa: If you think about how counterintuitive it is to stay in a relationship with someone who is verbally, physically, psychologically abusing you. We think we understand what it’s like to be in that situation but we truly don’t.

Kent: What are healthy ways we can help?

Lisa: The first thing to do is to do some research. Read some information, read some accounts of people who were in those relationships, so you can help yourself understand what’s actually going on. Then you should spend some time gathering resources because often the person in the relationship doesn’t have the time or is too scared to actually go about getting any sort of resources around and getting out. I think the most important thing is to keep in mind the person that you meet, when you meet the abusive partner, is not necessarily the person that the abused partner encounters at home. If the partner comes to you and says, “this person is abusing me,” sometimes the first instinct is to try and defend the other person because your experience of them is that they’re not abusive. It’s most important that when the person comes to you, you believe them, whether that’s your experience or not.

Kent: Are there any other healthy techniques that people can deploy to try to help someone they know or someone that’s not necessarily a close friend, but you witness something?

Lisa: If you’re witnessing it happen in the moment, you can and should call emergency services if you’re witnessing somebody being hurt. If you have more of a distant relationship with the person, you can provide them with information and resources. The Government of Canada has a website with a list of a lot of general resources and it’s broken down by province, so it’s a pretty easy Google search. If you just say, “I have a concern, here’s a number that you can call if you want any more information,” or, “if there’s anything else that I can help you with, here’s a number you can call.” Then step back as much as you can because it’ll be the person’s close friends that will have to be the ones to have those hard conversations.