How to face relationship red flags, according to a psychologist

Why do we miss relationship red flags? Registered psychologist Lisa Rowbottom breaks it down and discusses ways of handling it.

Sometimes when relationships fail, people look back and notice the signs that it was doomed. But why do we ignore those red flags in the first place? Registered psychologist Lisa Rowbottom joined CTV Your Morning Edmonton’s Kent Morrison to break down why some people may choose to ignore those signs and how you can help a loved one who’s going through it.

This transcript has been edited for length and clarity.

Kent Morrison: How do we define red flags?

Lisa Rowbottom: When I’m talking with my clients about red flags, I define them as those signs when you absolutely know this is the end of the relationship. There’s something about it or about what has happened that tells you this is not something you’re willing to tolerate. It’s not one of those things where it’s like, “I’m not sure if I really like this about him,” or maybe he snores. It’s more about things that tell you there’s something really wrong here and you need to get out.

Kent: But we can recognize those in some ways, but place them aside or think we can overcome them. Why do we do that and what happens when we ignore the red flags?

Lisa: I think there’s a couple of reasons why we do it. When we meet somebody that we’re attracted to for the first couple of months, we get this explosion of feel good hormones in our body. We get what we call “puppy love,” where everything’s great, this person’s amazing and you overlook all of their flaws. It becomes very easy to pretend certain things aren’t happening or to have a habit of explaining them away. We can also fall into this role of thinking we can save this person if we just love them enough, if we just put enough effort into them, this can be better.

Kent: What happens to us and to the relationship if we just push those aside?

Lisa: If they’re red flags, but they’re relatively harmless red flags, then the relationship usually is pretty doomed to end after a certain amount of time because of personality conflict, for example. If they’re pretty major red flags, you can find yourself in an abusive relationship.

Kent: There are times when family members or friends can also see this happening and they try to step in. Does that help the situation? Because sometimes there’s this inclination to try to prove them wrong. What happens when people interject?

Lisa: I think if you’re the family member, it is important to say something. You don’t have to push it. You don’t have to bring it up every time the person is around because you don’t want to alienate that person. But at a certain point you do want to mention you’re seeing some things that are concerning. If you’re the person in the relationship and your family member, your friend, is telling you, “Be careful. I’m noticing some things I’m worried about,” it’s really important to take that step back and just look at the situation. Think to yourself, “Well, why would they tell me this?” Because it’s pretty unlikely somebody who’s genuinely a friend or a loving family member is going to try and interfere in your relationship, just for the heck of it.

Kent: Do you have any advice for breaking this pattern, for recognizing this and taking healthy action?

Lisa: The first thing I would do is sit down and actually give some thought to, “So what are your red flags? What are your yellow flags? What are your green flags?”

Your green flags mean you can absolutely go for it. Your yellow flags are the things that you’re not 100 per cent sure about but they’re not dangerous. For example, their snoring, maybe you’re not 100 per cent sold in the sense of humor, those sorts of things.

Then make a list of your absolute red flags. Things you’ve run into in past relationships, things that you know your friends have run into, things that you just know from overall education. It can be as straightforward as, “If he hits me, then I’m gone.”