96-year-old shares what she does to keep life vibrant. You can start doing it now

Making and maintaining friendships are important always, especially in your older years, experts say. (andreswd/E+/Getty Images via CNN Newsource)

At 96 years old, Betty Parker is tired of hearing about other people’s aches and pains.

Instead, she fills her journal with all the great things she is still doing: picking roses from her garden, reading, playing cards with her regular group and baking pies when she entertains.

OK, she admits that maybe she doesn’t quite have the energy to bake pies anymore and should probably buy something from the grocery store next time. Even so, Parker said her 90s have been filled with purpose and connection –– something many people struggle with no matter their age.

Healthy behaviours like nutritious eating and strength training are important to living longer, but loneliness and social isolation are also key factors to address to have more years and enjoy them, said California-based gerontologist Dr. Kerry Burnight, who is also Parker’s daughter.

“Life expectancy generally has improved in the last generation. But we want to make sure that individuals are living good years, as opposed to just living longer,” said Dr. John Batsis, a geriatrician and an associate professor at UNC’s School of Medicine and Gillings School of Global Public Health in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

A geriatrician is a medical doctor focusing on the care of older adults, while a gerontologist studies aging from the biological perspective as well as the social and psychological, Burnight said.

There are four factors that Burnight sees as being the most important to getting the most joy out of your longer, healthier years: growing, connecting, adapting and giving. And fortunately, just like you can exercise daily to keep your body healthy, she says you can work out your internal strength to improve your connections and sense of purpose.

Start whenever you can

It’s not too early or too late to start creating a life you enjoy.

If you haven’t retired yet, it may be a good idea to start thinking about what your days will look like when you stop working, Batsis said.

“The retirement cliff, so to speak, is very difficult for individuals who have been working a lifetime,” he added.

It can feel like suddenly you lose everything –– a sense of purpose, how you fill your days and who you connect with –– when you are no longer going into work every day, especially if you have not made a plan, he said. Instead of making such a drastic change, Batsis advises people to start taking up hobbies and activities you’d like to do in retirement while you are still working.

If you have already retired, you can find opportunities to build new things you love, Burnight said. If you have always wanted to publish a book, 80 isn’t too old to start writing. In fact, you may still have a lot of time ahead of you to invest in your passions, she said.

“It’s not too late at all. In fact, it’s the perfect time to really lean into and redefine it,” said Burnight, author of the upcoming book “Joyspan: The Art and Science of Thriving in Life’s Second Half.”

Don’t stop growing

Daily crossword puzzles or sudoku are a good way to engage your brain, but to stay cognitively sharp and increase the enjoyment of your older years it is important to do difficult things, Burnight said.

“New experiences activate neuro plasticity … that is our brain’s ability to keep growing,” she said. “If you do the same things you’ve always done, you’re really not setting yourself up for continued growth.”

One of Batsis’ patients took up golf after he retired, but he also started playing a musical instrument guitar. It wasn’t something he had ever done before, and he didn’t consider himself musically inclined, but the activity opened up a whole new world for him, Batsis said.

Now, the patient plays the guitar and also attends local concerts that he might not have otherwise, he added.

Batsis recommends trying to find a hobby that will keep you physically active. The less you move, the weaker you get, and so he said that finding something that disrupts a sedentary pattern can be helpful in keeping more activities available to you as you get older.

The key, however, is to find something you enjoy –– not to push yourself to activities you think you are supposed to do in your older age, Batsis said. If you never liked books, you probably won’t be motivated to become a reader in retirement, he added.

“Individuals need to find something that is of interest to them, because the more interesting it is to them, the more they’re going to be willing to kind of engage in that type of activity.” Batsis said.

For caregivers, Burnight cautions against doing for your loved ones anything that they can do for themselves, which varies depending on their skill set or physical limitations. Doing challenging things is important and helpful, she said.

Diversify your social portfolio

About once a month, Parker meets with a group she calls “the youngs” to play canasta, which she taught them.

“The youngs” are a group of women in their 60s whom she met through her daughter-in-law. Although they are much younger than her, Parker said she values having a diverse group of friends. That is especially true as she has outlived her husband and other close connections, she said.

“Like how we diversify our financial portfolio, socially we want to have friends of different ages, friends from your neighbourhood, as well as friends from the past,” she said.

If you need connection with more people from your past, Burnight recommends using social media to reach out to people whom you might have lost touch with over the years. People are usually happy to hear from an old friend, she said.

Even small interactions with a neighbour or at your coffee shop can often lead to more meaningful relationships, she said.

Her most important piece of advice is to be the friend, Burnight said. Loneliness is dangerous to longevity, so investing in connection is important.

“You need to be the one to call to make a plan or to remember a birthday, or to sit by somebody’s hospital bed or to drive them to their chemo,” she said.

Finding joy and purpose

While Parker has a lot of joy in her 90s, it hasn’t come without a need to adapt, she said.

She had to give up tennis years ago, which she misses, and now she has to use a walker to get around sometimes, she said. But those changes haven’t prevented her from laughing with her family, spending time in her yard or even being in a local parade for the Fourth of July holiday, Parker said.

“We are always going to have changing circumstances, and growing older brings a lot of challenge,” Burnight said. “Instead of just denying that or saying, ‘Oh, my life can’t be great now that I’ve had these things,’ the ones who age well are the ones that adapt, meaning they’re able to accept and even embrace change.”

“The way that you adapt largely is recognizing that it isn’t wrong that you’re going to have tough stuff. It’s how you’re going to respond to that tough stuff,” she said.

Research has suggested that how you think about aging profoundly impacts how you actually age, she said.

“People who believe that aging is a time of continued growth live 7.5 years longer than those who think, ‘Oh, I’m old. I’m going to retire and just go knit with the ladies,’” Burnight said. Unless, of course, you enjoy knitting or want to pick it up as a new hobby.

Instead, she recommends turning your attention to all you have to give. Evidence also suggests that people who give report higher levels of joy, purpose and longevity, Burnight said.

Sounds like a lot to do all at once? Don’t worry. You can start small.

Maybe it is delivering a lemon from your tree to a friend or offering to watch your neighbours’ young children while they run errands, she said. Even creating art, planting a garden or giving someone who is sick a call is an act of giving that can give you purpose, Burnight said.

“Purpose is small and daily and a decision,” she said. “It’s saying, ‘Okay, today, how am I going to use the fact that I’m alive and that I have things to give?’”

By Madeline Holcombe, CNN