Holiday heat: How separated or divorced parents can stay cool over the holidays

Christmas gifts under a tree. (Source: CTV News Atlantic)

Raising children over the holidays can be daunting, but being separated or divorced can make it even more difficult.

Vivian Meraki, parenting expert and author, says there are techniques to help reduce stress and shared some of her strategies with CTV Your Morning on Tuesday.

She advises co-parents to figure out their plans ahead of the holidays, calling it “the most effective thing” they can do. Holidays can be an emotional season, Meraki says, and nailing down the logistics ahead of time can “make things a lot easier.”

“What are your values? What’s important to you?” Meraki said, suggesting co-parents figure out baselines and how to build off of that foundation. She advises both parents to communicate with each other, figuring out where they’re flexible and where they’re not.

“You can have the conversation with your kids,” Meraki suggested, adding that you can include children in age-appropriate conversations around stress and the holiday season. Asking your children if they might like to get the other parent a gift, and helping them choose it, can be “the best place to start from, a place of communication and collaboration,” said Meraki.

• READ MORE: How to navigate the holidays when parents are divorced

Removing “friction points” can help, Meraki said. Using text, email or a co-parenting app can help keep things smooth, she advised.

“With your children, you’re not going to be able to shield them from the tension,” she said, but you can help them understand it.

Talk to your kids, help them understand why you might be frustrated or anxious and let them know its not their fault, Meraki emphasized. Involve your children so that they don’t blame themselves but don’t use them as “an emotional crutch,” she added.

“Because the tension is there, avoiding or pretending its not is going to make things even worse,” she said.

In a separate interview with CTV Your Morning in Edmonton this month, retired psychologist Lisa Rowbottom also advises parents discuss stressful situations with children. However, “you also don’t want to dump everything on your children,” she said.

Both Meraki and Rowbottom suggest using adult support networks during stressful times.

“Call your friends, call somebody else, keep the kids as calm and as settled as you can in this time of change and upheaval for them,” Rowbottom said.