Domestic violence: One woman's story

The World Health Organization says about a third of women worldwide have been sexually or physically assaulted by a current or former partner.

After surviving domestic abuse for over a decade, Nisha is an advocate for women in abusive relationships. She believes that doctors in fracture clinics must ask women about violence in the home in order to help women find a way out.

Here is her story:

We met through our mutual relatives and fell in love in 1981 after a few meetings. He was visiting his family back home after 10 years of living in Canada. He had to return to Canada on his job in a few weeks. So in a hurry we got married with our families’ blessings. I waited for nine months to get my immigration papers. I endured all kind of tortures by his family while I was waiting. He wrote me so many love letters and called to talk to me almost every other day. I thought I was very lucky.

May of 1982 I left my family and joined him in Canada. He was very mesmerising, a sweet talker, and fooled everyone. It was my first experience to fly in an airplane. I was very excited, happy, and somewhat scared too. I was very happy when I saw him at the airport.

We got home and the same evening after a few hours his brain-washing and manipulations started. He told me what he expected from me. He told me that I shouldn’t trust anyone in Canada because it is not safe: not to talk to anyone; not to lie to him ever; never ever cross him or question him about anything; and never try to manipulate him with my good looks and soft, sweet voice. On the top never, ever tell anything to my family members because it is our private matter and it is nobody’s business. I should never step out of the apartment without him. If I followed his rules I would be a happy woman. He was only saying these things because he loved me and wanted to keep me safe.

In a new country with no family or friends I followed his rules and the fear he put in my mind was for real. I was not allowed to say hello to any of my neighbours. Right after the marriage he went on disability and stayed home 24/7 to keep an eye on me. I became his slave and did his personal care too. He smoked, got drunk every day, and lived his life the way he wanted. We have two beautiful and intelligent daughters. I only got to eat one meal a day and wasn’t even provided the necessities or even medicines I needed. He didn’t even provided groceries for our daughters even though my family back home was supporting us financially on a regular basis. I went to the hospital quite often.

I had a surgery while I was pregnant with my first daughter to have a cyst removed. After that I had gall bladder surgery the old way and had a blood transfusion. When I was recuperating I hemorrhaged. At the same time we had a car accident and I was the one who got hurt most but he found the opportunity and went on disability. I found out that I was pregnant with my second daughter.

In 1998 in October I was watching the Rosie O’Donnell show where she was promoting self check-ups of breasts and mammograms. I did that and found a lump in my right breast. I said to myself it could never happen to me. I am a vegetarian, never ever smoked or drank in my life, don’t eat junk or fried food. Every night I would check and felt it was getting bigger. Still I thought, ‘Oh it must be a cyst and God will not do this to me.’ I had lot of other health problems like high blood pressure, acid reflex, asthma, migraines, panic attacks and other problems. Finally at the end of December I went to see my physician and found out it was a lump. After New Years all the tests were done very fast and I found out it was cancer. The surgeon told me that he had to remove my breast. I had the mastectomy and eight lymph nodes removed. Thank god I didn’t have to go for chemo. I also suffer with Osteoporosis, Osteoarthritis, Fibromyalgia, insomnia, and depression.

I take about 12 different pills just to get by the day. I left my abuser after 23 years of marriage in 2004. Staying for so long was the biggest mistake. My health was compromised.

Wherever I went he went with me and he did all the talking and answering. I wish somebody in the health-care system would have asked me and had provided me support about where to go for help. Health care providers should take this responsibility in recognising the signs and help support an abused woman. Give her guidance to get help. Nurses can also play a major role to end violence against women and children.

My advice to all the woman who are in this situation is please leave as early as possible, tell someone, there is help available in your own community, no women is at fault or guilty for getting hit or abused, don’t give him this excuse that you provoked him, if he will hit you once than it will not stop. Nobody deserves to be abused physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, or financially.

We should all work together end Violence Against Women.