'I forgive you and I forgive God:' A residential school survivor's healing journey

CTV National News: Residential school survivor’s journey The Chief of B.C.’s Upper Nicola Band Harvey McLeod shares his journey of healing after surviving residential school. Melanie Nagy reports.

KAMLOOPS, B.C. — Shortly after sunrise Sunday, a dozen elders from Tk'emlúps te Secwepemc boarded a small bus bound for Edmonton. They were headed to Alberta to take in the historic papal visit.

As they arranged their luggage and located their seats, there was a buzz of excitement. There was also a shared acknowledgment that the journey would be an emotional one.

"It is going to be very impactful and I am so honoured to be making this journey with our survivors," Kúkpi7 Rosanne Casimir, Chief for Tk'emlúps te Secwepemc, told CTV National News.

The group was made up of residential school survivors. As children, they were forced to attend the former Kamloops Indian Residential School.

The institution – once the largest of its kind in Canada – was operated by the Catholic Church from 1890 to 1969.

"There was so much hurt that happened there," Tk'emlúps elder Diena Jules told CTV National News. "This trip is important for me and my people."

Not far from where the bus is scheduled to depart, Harvey McLeod retraced the steps he took when he arrived at the Kamloops school.

"I went here from the fall of 1966 and left in the summer of 1968. It was a very long and painful two years," he told CTV National News.

McLeod – or YilMixWm, as he is commonly called – is the Chief of B.C.'s Upper Nicola Band.

While walking in front of the towering brick building, he pointed out where the girls and boys dormitories used to be.

He can remember the exact location of his bed. He also can't forget the fear and anxiety he felt as an 11-year-old boy, ripped away from his family by the Church.

"A lot of the pain, a lot of it I buried deep, really deep inside. I put up a very large wall around me as a way to try to protect myself," he said.

A report released by the National Truth and Reconciliation Commission in 2015 detailed extensive mistreatment at Canadian residential schools, including verbal, physical and sexual abuse

Like so many others, McLeod's time in the residential system left him with a legacy of trauma. He says there were "whippings," but it was the more sinister things that "caused a lot of wounds."

He doesn't like to share too many details, but he says in addition to the physical abuse he was sexually assaulted.

"There were horrors that happened at that school, and I was so mad that I was sent there."

The abuse McLeod suffered left him with a hatred for the Church, so much so, he says he completely gave up on God.

"I had a conversation with God and I told him to leave me alone. ‘You leave me alone and I will leave you alone.’"

That anger would last long after he left the residential school and follow him into adulthood. He believes it also lead him to a heartbreaking divorce and an attempted suicide.

"I was so angry and had built up such a wall that I didn't know how to love others or myself,' he said. "So many of my wounds are linked to the terrible things that happened at the Kamloops school."

McLeod did seek counseling, but said one of his greatest moments of transformation came five years ago while vacationing in Italy.

While in Vatican City , during a Papal Mass in Saint Peter's Square, he saw Pope Francis.

"As he made his way through the crowd and got closer, I looked at him and I told him I forgive you and I forgive God. When I did it felt like an explosion happened inside me."

McLeod says that forgiveness helped him release his fury.

"We need to forgive to move forward, if I hold onto the past then I will always be there."

As a result, he feels he found renewed happiness and a sense of peace.

With his own healing journey progressing, McLeod won't be travelling to see the pontiff, but he hopes the visit will help other survivors.

"This is an opportunity to take a step forward. These institutions did a lot of harm, but we are still here."

Back at the bus, the elders said a special prayer before the vehicle pulled out of the parking lot.

By participating in the pope's visit, they too hope to move forward with their own healing journey.

___

If you are a former residential school survivor in distress, or have been affected by the residential school system and need help, you can contact the 24-hour Indian Residential Schools Crisis Line: 1-866-925-4419

Additional mental-health support and resources for Indigenous people are available here.