Moms quietly spend their own money during the holidays: Here’s what you should do instead

From meticulously constructing the illusion of Christmas spirit to buying presents for grandparents, children and everyone in between - not to mention the ever-present mental load of motherhood - a new study finds that moms are quietly footing the bill of extra costs during the holidays to make their families’ dreams come true.

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“It’s these small conversations with other moms at the playground, daycare, realizing that thing that we all know, if you’re a mom, your money goes, you’re not sure where, but it disappears,” said Oriane Couchoux, an accounting professor at Carleton University’s Sprott School of Business.

She explains that mothers often personally take on the strain of additional or unexpected expenses, whether it be for an extra pair of shoes or a special outfit for dress-up day at school.

‘A good mother’

These hidden financial labours of motherhood, the study finds, are especially stretched during the holidays.

‘It’s about cultural and societal expectations of what a good mother should be," Couchoux notes. “A good mother is somebody who doesn’t count, who invests all her time, money, resources in making sure that her children are happy.”

In fact, she says motherhood fundamentally changes how women spend, save and think about money.

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“Our expectations as a society for what a good mother should be really creates this idea that being a good mother requires financial sacrifice,” said Couchoux. “Making women handle some of these daily purchases, not counting them, not tracking them, just saying, ‘These are my children. I want the best for them. I’m going to assume the financial responsibility.’”

She notes that women often feel pressure to be their families’ financial strategists, often at their own expense, pun intended.

This self-sacrifice, Couchoux insists, damages mothers’ ability to save for their own long-term needs, including retirement, leaving them at a striking financial disadvantage.

“If that requires you to spend more money than you thought you would, more money that you have, if it requires you to prioritize saving for their future education over your own retirement, then so be it,” she said. “Many, many, many mothers told us that they would almost feel shame if they were to talk about the small expenses with the other parent.”

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These supplementary purchases, though, can add up to significant amounts over time, Couchoux insists, noting that the study has not yet quantified how much additional money mothers are spending from their own pockets, particularly around the holidays, but estimates it could be thousands of dollars a year.

“Our interviewees told us, ‘I don’t want to know,’ and I think it’s because intuitively, you know that you spend a lot of money,” she said. “It’s almost like I can keep doing what I’m doing if I don’t know the final number.”

Gender gap

Couchoux indicates that hidden spending is just one additional way that mothers, and women in general, are at a disadvantage in Canada.

“We already know, and research has shown, that in Canada, mothers earn 85 cents for every dollar fathers earn,” she said. “We know that this gap in earnings persists over time and can remain around even 10 years after having the first child.”

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She also points to long-standing proof of the gender pension gap, meaning that for every dollar of retirement income men receive in Canada, women get 83 cents.

“Our study allows us to understand some factors that create this situation down the road,” she said. “Many of our interviewees told us that they have stopped saving for their own retirement, but save every month, every year, for their children’s future.”

How do we fix it?

Couchoux argues that societally, we need to start having open conversations about money and the financial impact of having children - even if it makes us uncomfortable.

“For mothers, our advice isn’t about doing more, it’s about making the financial work they already do more visible and more protected,” she said.

The first thing mothers can start doing is counting themselves in their budgets.

“It’s not one or the other,” she said. “Make sure that you don’t completely discard your own financial needs and financial security when making these decisions. It’s important to make everyday costs visible and shared.”

The goal, she explains, is to equally share expenses between parents.

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“The most important advice is to have these explicit, clear financial conversations with your partner, your spouse, your co-parent,” she said. “Who covers what, who covers day-to-day expenses, how savings are divided, and how caregiving and caring for the children affects income, financial security and retirement, because even in loving and supporting relationships, silence when it comes to financial practices and decisions can lead to financial insecurity down the line.”