Parents have hopes and dreams for their children about all aspects of their lives. What are your hopes about their future sexual lives? Do you want them to have the ability to be intimate, to communicate what they want, what they don’t want, to give and take pleasure, to have satisfying relationships, to be safe, to be healthy, to choose parenting if they wish...?  Do you want them to be comfortable with their gender, their orientation, their body? Do you want them to respect themselves and others? The way you behave at the outset will have a profound effect on their attitudes and behaviour.

When a baby is born and you hold them for the first time, they learn about nurturing love. When you change their diaper, or bathe them, it’s a good time to teach them dictionary words for all of their parts, including their genitals. When they first find their genitals (at about six months) they register your reaction. If you nod and smile, they learn that they can touch that part and it feels good. If you smack their hand and tell them it’s dirty, that is also a clear message.

If you find kids (age 3 – 7 or so) involved in sexual exploration and it just looks like “show me”, a pretty common activity, you can choose to interrupt or not. (If you wonder what is considered “expected behaviour” go to: www.boostforkids.org.)

When they ask you questions, give them answers. Your answers will reflect your view of the world, be they scientific or value driven. Answer what they ask. Use language they will understand. There are wonderful books at every level of detail that can help you find the right words.

Talking with your kids about sex – the bad parts

Children need to know that people are generally good; they also need to report any “uh oh” feelings they get; and that there should never be any secret touching. Kids who are sexually abused need to be told that it wasn’t their fault, that it’s good that they told and that you will find help for them. Then do it. Most children need help to avoid what are sometimes lifelong consequences of sexual abuse.

When you hear them use bullying language or behaviour that puts down people on the basis of gender or orientation, step in. Explain why it is not OK. Teach them respect for themselves and others. If they come across pornographic images on the computer, tell them these sites are for adults and try to answer their questions about what they saw. By grade 5, children are very likely to have come across these images. Some parents keep the computer in a common space to help guide children on safe use.

Talking with your adolescents about relationships

Adolescence is a time for risk taking behaviour and fitting in. With solid information and clear messages from you, they may avoid the worst pitfalls. They need to learn how to say yes to what they want and no to what they don’t. Kissing and touching are considered safe activities, although many parents worry about any activity at all; but it can be a good way to practise setting limits.

Talking with your adolescents about relationships – the bad parts

The sad reality is that there are some adolescents who are more prone to risk taking and exploitative behaviours than others, often based on prior abuse, discrimination and socio-economic status. Forwarding explicit messages that expose someone to ridicule can be experienced as a violation with terrible consequences.

Sexual assault, like sexual harassment, is firmly rooted in sexism. Schools have a role – but so do you. Comments about girls and women in particular that reflect a negative attitude are internalized. Like sexual abuse, sexual assault is never a person’s fault. Although adolescents can learn how to improve their communication skills, sharpen their personal radar and become street smart, education plays a key role in reducing the stereotypes that feed sexual assaults.

Sexting

If you have communicated openly with your child about sexuality and taught them the basics around respect of self and others, with any luck, he or she will not forward explicit photos of others, will let you know if they receive any; and will think twice about sending any of themselves. Here are some “lessons” for adolescents from Phoebe Uy, published in the Nov. 10, 2009 Canadian Teacher Magazine:

·         The Internet is public

·         The Internet is not within your sphere of control

·         The Internet is viral

·         What goes on in the Internet stays on the Internet

·         Negative publicity on the Internet can cost you

http://www.canadianteachermagazine.com/ctm_life_skills/nov09_five_lessons.shtml

Lyba Spring is a sexual health educator and consultant with 30 years experience, who recently retired from Toronto Public Health.