From the first day of kindergarten to changing schools or starting Secondary 1 (Grade 7), back to school can be a big transition for children of all ages. All of a sudden, the ease of a carefree summer is gone, replaced with strict routines, new teachers and rekindling friendships. Experts say this explosion of new experiences can take a toll on a child’s mental capacity and emotional capabilities. “‘Will I be with my friends?’ ‘Will I have a good teacher?’ These are all social-emotional kinds of responses, and it’s very normal,” explains Dr. Sheryl Smith-Gilman, with McGill University’s Faculty of Education. “I use that word, ‘normal,’ like we’ve all had anxieties when we start something new or go back to work.” Each transition is different, and children, depending on their age, can express themselves very differently to one another, adds Joseph Levitan, an associate professor in the Department of Integrated Studies in Education at McGill University. “Every kid’s different. Everybody has different expectations, different anxieties, different things that they’re looking forward to,” he notes. Here are a few things parents can do to help their children as they head back to school: Stick to a routine Smith-Gilman explains that one of the best things a parent can do to ease their child’s back-to-school anxieties is implement a consistent, daily routine. “They have to go back to school, and they’ve got to learn, and they’ve got to study, and there’s work,” she lists. “The beginning months, really, are just getting back into the routines.” A brand new routine, notes Levitan, can be disconcerting for some children. “Establishing routines for early childhood is really, really important,” he said. “Being capable or being on point for establishing routines, practicing before going to school, will allow kids to feel better in school, and when they feel better, they’ll be more likely to engage with other kids and thrive.” Acknowledge their feelings Levitan points out that one subtle way parents can understand how their children are feeling is simply by observing. “One of the things that is really helpful for parents is to listen to the kids and their actions and their behaviours as much as in their words,” he said. “Try to give them space to express themselves about their excitement or their worries.” For younger children, Levitan says parents can get creative in how they communicate. “Maybe just saying, ‘Hey, do you want to draw a picture about how you’re feeling?’ or ‘Do you want to do a little dance about how you’re feeling?’ so kids can express themselves in this nonverbal way,” he said. Smith-Gilman adds that it’s not unusual for children (and parents), particularly those starting kindergarten, to be hit with a wave of separation anxiety, especially because they’re “going into places where they don’t know anybody.” “There are children who cry, and they don’t want to leave their parent...and that sometimes is very difficult for the parent, for the child, and for the teacher as well,” she said. As a former kindergarten teacher, Smith-Gilman recalls a particularly difficult first day of school, where she gave one parent some sound advice: “Hand your child over to me.” “The physical handing over [of] the child and the parents saying, ‘I trust Miss Susie,’ or whoever,” she explained. “I trust your teacher to really look after you, and I know you’re going to stay close to her or him if you need some help. I trust them.’ And I think that’s very key.” A fun good-bye handshake or dance, or a keepsake, are also good options. “I had a friend who used to give her daughter her purse,” recalls Smith-Gilman. “It was an empty purse...and the child would walk around with the purse the whole day, knowing that the mother had to come back for the purse. It was a wonderful trick, and it worked.” Be honest Smith-Gilman points out that parents tend to overthink their actions when all they really need to do is emotionally support their children as they experience, well, life. “Normalizing their feelings, letting them know that it’s OK to have a little bit of nervousness or a little bit of anxiety,” she said. “But always with that positive outlook of, you know, you remember when you had a great time last year, or all the great experiences, remind them of all the good times.” Sharing your own worries – but choosing your words carefully – can also make a huge difference in how your child perceives this new chapter in their lives. “Know that they are feeling a little excited, and I would use that word, not nervous or anxious,” said Smith-Gilman. “Children, they’re very clever. They will pick up on that.” For teens heading to high school, Levitan notes that their priority has shifted to their social surroundings. “Their main focus is their peers, their friends, the adult world beyond the parents, and they’re going to want to start to build out a little bit more independence,” he explains. “Kids at this stage...there seems to be a trend towards more communication, or over-communication, or almost zero communication.” Giving them options to achieve their goals - do you want to do homework or have dinner first, for example - is “really, really important,” according to Levitan, to allow them to be more independent and responsible. “Establishing very consistent routines yourself and being the role model for what it means to have hard boundaries and soft boundaries is really important,” he said. Levitan adds that children in high school are also being exposed to many different experiences, and it may be time for parents to have some “awkward conversations.” “This is the time when building up that kind of parent strength of, ‘Alright, I know this is going to be uncomfortable, but we’re going to need to talk about this,’” he said. “Allow your child to be able to share with you, while also providing tips and advice from a caring space, is really, really important.” Your greatest ally For little (or not so little) ones starting at a new school, Smith-Gilman says familiarizing them with their new surroundings can help ease tensions as that first day approaches. “Some schools allow a little visit, so it’s not so foreign to them,” said Smith-Gilman, adding parents can also take their children for a walk or two around the exteriors of the school. “Talk about all the exciting things and activities [that] are going to happen in kindergarten, just to normalize those feelings,” she said. “I think that’s really important, and to build their self-confidence, that is really, really key.” At the end of the day, your greatest ally, according to the experts, is your child’s teacher. “They know what to do. They know how much to encourage a child and stay by their side, and typically, it does get better,” said Smith-Gilman. Make an effort to get to know your child’s teacher, encourages Levitan. “That provides a safe space for kids to know what to expect, and when they know what to expect, they can really embody their best selves in those spaces,” he said.
