There are two questions that make most men run for cover: "Does this make me look fat?" and "Honey? Wanna see a movie?" With "Sex and the City" swooshing into theatres on May 30th millions of loyal husbands and first-date dudes will get dragged to see the mother of all chick flicks.
Take heart pals. This estrogen extravaganza might subtract two hours from your life, plus the cost of popcorn. But time in chick flick hell could be worse.
Beaches (1988)
This is what you get for making her watch "Movies For Guys Who Like Movies" on TNT. The sun sets over the ocean as Barbara Hershey and her inflated lips leave this world for the next. All the while Bette Midler's engine-jet trills from "The Wind Beneath My Wings" puncture your patience and your eardrums. No wonder Hershey died. It was her only out of this cloying trip to the beach.
The Notebook (2004)
Insulted your mother-in-law? That explains why your ass was chained to a chair to endure this crap-fest. For the two minutes that Alzheimer's patient Gena Rowlands recognizes her husband, James Garner, before they die you'll think 'Hey, hope I'm that besotted with the same woman when I get to be Jimbo's age.' Other than that you're condemned to two hours of Ryan Gosling's sulks and Rachel McAdams annoying chirpiness. If this is passion pass the Pepto-Bismol.
Made of Honor (2008)
Did somebody take "My Best Friend's Wedding" and give Julia Robert's part to Patrick Dempsey? By the looks of this dreck absolutely. If Dr. McDreamy had tangled with space aliens instead wooing his soon-to-be-married pal men might have been interested. But as it is this flick is what some poor bastard deserves for making his girl sit through too much NFL football. These two hours of torture will make her smile and you suffer like a dog.
Fool's Gold (2008)
Kate Hudson in a bikini. That should get any guy to the movies. Hudson's nubile charms, however, can't save this trash heap. Watching Matthew McConaughey and Hudson scour the ocean for lost treasure is like playing pin the tail on the donkey. Nobody ever wins and that big stick usually maims somebody's flesh in a big way. Romance, ha! This fool's gold makes men want to drown in their Coke.
Pretty In Pink (1986)
Somebody serving turkey? Here's a fork load of it and it doesn't go down easy. Watching pasty Molly Ringwald and in this '80s romance does something to a man all right. It makes them want to grab an Uzi and shoot up the screen. Women may never tire of this abysmal teen schlock. But it, and Ringwald's acting, make the sad lads condemned to sit through this sap sorry they were born.
City of Angels (1998)
All dogs go to heaven. This one didn't make it. Nicholas Cage gives up his angel's wings for Meg Ryan in this romance. Okay, we'll bite. Even Russell Crowe almost gave up bachelorhood for this perky girl next door. What really bites, however, is everything that follows in this hellish mush. Death came for Ryan in this chick flick. Lucky broad! You'll be praying it does the same for you fella.
Thelma & Louise (1991)
Forgot the wife's birthday? You'll pay the price watching this feminist drive through hell. Other than the '66 Thunderbird and the vigilante shooting of a rapist, this story about an Arkansas waitress (Susan Sarandon) and a housewife (Geena Davis) on the run gives men the runs. And with a young Brad Pitt parading his six-pack perfection you'll never look as good to your better half once this chick flick ends.
Message in a Bottle (1999)
Watching Kevin Costner's inner torment in this romance makes Max von Sydow's grim reaper in "The Seventh Seal" look like a party animal. Costner's long, quiet suffering over his wife's death comes to an end thanks to a hop in the sack with Robin Wright Penn -- and the ocean that drowns him. Lucky bastard! Load up on all the Gravol boys. That's the real message at the bottom of this bottle.
The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002)
Mending a mother-daughter rift might rock some people's world. But most men will want to throw rocks at any screen filled with this cheese.
A New York playwright (Sandra Bullock) is dragged back to the Old South by her mother's pals to patch things up. That's the action part. The rest slides into a sulking, 'why didn't you love me mommy?' mush-fest that would make ballroom dancing look like a happier alternative. Grab the Jack Daniels boys. Without it you'll never say ya-ya to this schmaltz.
What Happens in Vegas... (2008)
Most guys dream of getting lucky with Cameron Diaz. Seeing the leggy hottie and Aston Kutcher in this slop will make a boy never want to dream again. This lame story about two strangers who marry after a wild night and fall in love makes Vegas look like the place actors go when they're downgraded to Hollywood's D-list. Agree to watch this one and Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes" will start to look mighty good.
