A new book called ‘The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free’ provides tools for people who have trouble saying no.
Author Melissa Urban gives insight into what boundaries are to improve mental health and productivity while maintaining existing relationships.
“I describe boundaries as a limit you set around how other people are allowed to engage with you,” Urban said on CTV’s Your Morning Wednesday. “A boundary isn't about controlling other people or telling them what to do, it's about telling other people what you will do to keep yourself safe and healthy and improve your relationship.”
She is a co-founder and CEO of Whole30, a dietary reset she created for her own life after she left rehab in 2009. Urban has written a number of New York Times bestselling books.
Urban believes, because of societal norms and the existing patriarchy, women have a harder time setting boundaries.
“We're told when we express our needs, that we are selfish,” she says of women in general. “I think there's a lot to unlearn to recognize that my needs matter and I should put myself on that list of people who should be comfortable.”
Using respectful language and directing readers to tips she’s learned, the book showcases a number of situations in which women want to set boundaries but aren’t sure how. One example involves a friend who is asking for emotional support, but never heeds any advice. That can create a frustrating dynamic, she said.
“They're asking you to kind of be their therapist, and you really can't be their therapist, you can only be their friend,” Urban says of the scenario. “A boundary might be, ‘Hey, we talked about this last week, and I suggested doing A, B and C, have you done that?’”
If the friend persists, Urban suggests being honest with them about how it’s affecting you.
“It feels like when we're in conversation, you're always talking about your struggles and you're not asking me about my life,” Urban advises. “I feel like I don't get to show up fully in this friendship and that doesn't feel very good to me.”
She acknowledges setting boundaries and being honest with people can be daunting, especially for those who worry about others' feelings. Urban says boundaries are “supportive” or else people will show up in relationships begrudgingly.
“Boundaries are an invitation to say, ‘I want to keep you in my life, I want our relationship to be better,” she said. “Here's the limit that you may not have realized that I have, and if you can meet me in this limit, our relationship can be so much more open and trusting and respectful.”
Urban says boundaries are about open communication and should be seen as a tool to repair or build relationships. Ignoring someone or “ghosting” them is not a boundary.
