Relationship experts and couples say romance doesn’t need grand gestures to thrive

(AP Illustration / Peter Hamlin)

Doing something romantic for Valentine’s Day does not need to involve a heart-shaped box of chocolates, roses or an atypically expensive dinner, according to relationship experts.

In fact, therapists encourage couples craving intimacy and a deeper connection to focus less on grand gestures and more on expressing love with mundane acts that recognize what matters to their partner.

Romance is not one size fits all. For some people, it means holding hands, opening a car door or drawing a bath for their lover. Others respond to receiving a hilarious text, coffee in bed or an offer to run a nagging errand. Either way, demonstrating kindness and care in small ways over time helps to support relationships as they evolve, says Traci Lee, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Dallas.

“The more that early on, you as a couple are able to establish good habits of whatever romance is going to look like for you, the better it is,” Lee said.

Couples counselors and people in relationships share ideas for showing a romantic partner love throughout the year:

Romance is constantly evolving

Early in a relationship, it doesn’t take much to show romantic intentions, but that changes as couples learn more about each other as individuals, discover what their partner needs for emotional and physical well-being, and experience life together.

“Depending on what stage of the relationship you’re in, romance can mean different things,” Lee said. For example, couples with parenting and caregiving responsibilities have less time to devote to each other than they did during the honeymoon phases right after they started dating or got married.

Gabrielle Gambrell, who lives in New York with her husband of seven years and their two children, thinks romance “should be an evolution” and therefore takes work. One piece of advice she received before getting married stuck with her: Never stop dating.

“You keep romance alive by continuously dating,” Gambrell said. ”No matter how busy or what happens in the world, me and my husband have a mandatory date night. And every single date night, we leave the date energized and happy and grateful, and reminded what means the most to us.”

Taking the pressure off Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day carries a heavy burden of social pressures, fantasies from movies and books, and individual desires and expectations that often go unexpressed. All can be managed with planning and communication, experts say.

“Some people will say, ‘If I have to tell my partner what to do, then it won’t be romantic.’ But I have to remind people that their partner is not a mind reader,” Lee said. ”I try to blow up the myth that romance can only happen if it’s created spontaneously out of thin air.”

Gambrell, who describes herself as a planner by nature, says she typically starts asking her husband questions about their plans for Feb. 14 days before. Making assumptions about the best way to celebrate Valentine’s Day and comparisons with other couple’s relationships are likely to lead to disappointment, she said.

“Love is not perfect. Romance is not perfect. Relationships, there’s nothing perfect about them, but they are beautiful,” she said.

Clarence Smith IV, a 29-year-old middle school teacher and video content creator in Phoenix, remains a big believer in using traditional acts of chivalry to communicate respect and care for his girlfriend, such as positioning himself closer to the curb when they are walking together on a street.

“Romance today involves more seen gestures - let this be seen, let this be shown, let this be big,” Smith said, adding that in his dating experience some people see his gentlemanly behavior as old-fashioned. ”I do little things like that, and they’re looked at as superbly impactful. We don’t do this anymore. But to me, baby, this is basics.”

Express love beyond February

While some relationship experts recommend establishing traditions around meaningful holidays, anniversaries and birthdays, others say that creating rituals to mark new seasons or weekends are equally valuable as part of the foundation for merging lifestyles and routines.

Lee says she often explains to her clients a popular analogy in the counseling industry: If you get in a fight with your partner and apologize with a dozen roses, that would be great, but bringing one rose every day for 12 days would communicate consistency and dedication.

She asks patients, “What are some small things that you can do that are going to be a way for you to show up for your partner in the way that they need it?”

Gambrell says gift-giving is the way she prefers to receive and show love. As a result, it touches her deeply and comes across as a romantic gesture when her husband buys her a scratch-off lottery ticket or stationery item, like a pen or notebook, at the store.

“It’s knowing that you’re thinking about me, that I’m on your mind, that you stop what you’re doing to think of me,” she said.

Smith encourages people to not be afraid of expressing love regardless of how experienced a dating life or how long a relationship they have.

“Do not be afraid to love in your own way,” he said. “It’s always worth it. You always win in the end.”

Cheyanne Mumphrey, The Associated Press