LONDON, U.K. -- How’s this for timing?

It took almost a month for the British police to articulate the guidelines surrounding our new, shared lifestyle arrangement.

Do you like that phrase: lifestyle arrangement? Or shall we stick with “forced isolation?”

Anyway it seemed a little late.

So let’s flash back to Day One—March 23, when Prime Minister Boris Johnson ordered us to “Stay at Home!” That was before he got the virus, and in his father’s words, “almost took one for the team.”

There was, naturally, a fair amount of confusion as most of us tried to adjust and obey the regulations—if only to remain alive. What was allowed, what wasn’t allowed, and what happened if you got caught?

We were all a little surprised when the Secretary of Health, so incensed by the amount of exposed flesh he saw on Easter weekend, announced a ban on sunbathing.

Mr. Matt Hancock didn’t seem at all worried about the lack of sunscreen being applied to white British bodies. He was, rather doggedly, enforcing the rules against social congregation on a hot Sunday afternoon.

Which bring us to the official, updated, police-approved list of “reasonable excuses” for people to leave their homes.

Let’s begin with cooling off, which has nothing to do with removing some of your clothing.

This is about losing your cool.

If you’re feeling a little crazy—as in, violent—after weeks being cooped up inside, it’s perfectly legal, say the police, to go outside and “cool off.” They won’t give you a ticket.

You can go for a run, you can cycle; you can do yoga outside. You can go for a hike, or attend to your allotment garden. You can even stop to rest or eat your lunch while on a long walk.

Sunbathing, pointedly, is not on the list.

It’s now okay to buy “luxury items and alcohol,” and this is important, because police in Northumberland were recently threatening to inspect shopping carts for “non-essential” items. Chocolate? Ice cream? Vodka?

At this point in our mutual journey of fear and misery, I don’t know anyone who would declare vodka to be “non-essential.”

Of all the shopping guidelines, this is my favourite:

It is okay to buy tools and supplies to repair a fence “damaged in recent bad weather,” but it is not okay to buy paint and brushes “simply to redecorate a kitchen.”

Huh?

It should come as no surprise that the lockdown has inspired widespread snitching. The West Midlands police have been getting up to 2,000 calls a day to their hotline (snitch-line?)

And get this: a lot of calls are from people spreading false accusations about neighbours they don’t like. Among the most common: neighbours who walk their dogs more than once a day.

Lockdown shaming at its finest.

Perhaps you could say the police are as good at lockdown shaming as anybody. For a while, they were using drone footage, and leaving notes on windshields to berate people who were out hiking.

Hiking? In the country? Really?

And then there’s the hamburger story. You’re going to love this.

Police in Derbyshire caught four friends in a parked car wolfing down burgers, fries and soft drinks. They’d driven 40 kilometres to buy takeout.

The fine: $418, for violating social distancing rules.

I’m thinking, the best double cheese, mustard, lettuce, tomato and bacon you’ve ever tasted.