Meeting members of the Royal Family can be a frustrating experience for anyone with a sense of curiosity anxious to engage them in meaningful conversation.
If you meet the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge over their nine-day tour, royal protocol dictates you meekly bow your head or curtsy slightly, patiently smile like a dolt and, in the unlikely event they pause in front of you, wait for "Your Royal Highnesses" – calling them William and Kate is a no-no - to extend a handshake or offer up some chit-chat.
But this much I know for sure: No matter what faux pas you commit, nothing will match the horror of my meeting with William's grandmother, Queen Elizabeth herself.
It was 21 years ago this week, the day after the Meech Lake Accord died to excessive lamenting about the end of Confederation, that the Queen visited Calgary.
Standing in line with Calgary Herald colleague Michael Clarkson awaiting an introduction to the Queen at a media reception, it occurred to me someone had to ask her about this Meech Lake catastrophe.
After all, she is the head of state and this constitutional hiccup was billed as the end of national unity.
Clarkson and I flipped a coin. He lost. He had to ask the question which, to his undying credit, he actually did right after an aide hollered out his name for her royal handshake.
The Queen gasped for a second at the gall of it all and said she planned to talk to Prime Minister Brian Mulroney about the Accord's failure soon. It took her furious entourage roughly ten seconds to evict Clarkson from the Palliser Hotel ballroom, even while he was scribbling down her answer in his notebook.
I happily waltzed off to the bar, relieved it was him and not me, but the worst was yet to come.
Finished with the receiving line and armed with a gin and tonic, the Queen was circulating the room and took a sudden turn toward our group as we wolfed down a plate of hors d'oeuvres.
Fashion reporter Bernice Huxtable had her back to the approaching Queen and was in mid swallow when Her Majesty abruptly inquired about life at the Calgary Herald.
A slight gurgling sound came from a shocked Huxtable's throat and a slightly chewed shrimp ejected forth to land and stick in a streak of mayo on Her Majesty's royal outfit.
Without a moment's hesitation, the Queen brushed it to the floor and good-naturedly answered Bernice's protocol-busting questions about the designer of her dress.
That's why, to this day, I consider the Royals to be a class act worthy of respect and perhaps our sympathy. They put up with a lot nobody ever sees or hears about a microscopically-monitored role.
So if you're fortunate enough to meet William or Kate during their first international tour as a couple, here's the voice of experience. Don't ask about Canadian politics – and make sure you swallow before speaking.
