Counsellor says kids, teens need help with grief

A grief counsellor who has been helping people for the past 35 years says high schools in Canada should teach teenagers how to cope with death and loss.

Tom Easthope, the author of several books on grief, warns there could be long-term effects, like substance abuse, if grieving teens can't mourn the loss of a parent or other family member.

Amanda, a 17-year-old only child who lost her mother to cancer almost five years ago, says teaching teens about grief in school would make things a lot easier.

"A lot of people don't realize how much grief affects everything, and if they had (a course) in school there would at least be an understanding of what you would have to go through," she said in a recent interview.

Amanda, who doesn't want her family name used, was in Grade 6 when her mom died after four years of chemotherapy for cervical cancer.

"It was a really tough part of my life because that's when all the changes happen," she said.

"Preteen into teenager is kind of one of those things that you need your mom there for and it kind of happened at the worst possible time."

She also said it was weird when she went back to school following the death of her mother.

"All the girls I didn't get along with at school were not acting the way they used to, they were pulling out chairs, opening doors," she said.

"It almost felt like the whole school pitied me and I didn't like that."

Easthope, whose office is in a funeral home in Oshawa, Ont., said teachers won't want to start a death education program on the spot when a student loses a parent because it puts them "under the gun."

"If you can bring in teachable moments when they're teens, like when an airliner goes down or something like that, they can talk about it from a safe vantage point," he said.

But Easthope, 63, admitted some teens won't reach the mourning stage.

"They'll try to act like they've dealt with it and unfortunately that pain comes out in misdirected ways," he said.

"If the pain is suppressed to the point where what we call `the wall of the kettle blows out,' that could manifest itself in anything from a temper tantrum right to rape, murder, suicide."

Easthope works with Rainbows Canada, a national organization based in Barrie, Ont., which helps children who may be suffering a loss through death or separation and divorce.

He said it's more difficult to get teens to mourn as they become more independent and want to fit in with their peers.

"It's like hormone soup, their bodies are changing," he said.

"But what a lot of parents forget is they're still kids, it's like a Popsicle in one hand and cars keys in the other."

Easthope said teens have to learn to embrace pain, which acts as an alarm system.

"It's simply saying there's something going on inside you that needs to be dealt with," he added.

Amanda admitted the anger she felt when her mother died still happens sometimes and there's still "a lot of loneliness."

But she's come to terms with the fact that it's a normal feeling as she continues to help herself and other young people by working as a counsellor at a support centre in Barrie, Ont.

The Seasons Center for Grieving Children is a peer-to-peer support group for children, teens and their families.

"You're teaching children that it's normal to feel that way and it's a little bit reassuring that those feelings aren't wrong," she said.

Amanda's advice to teens who are having a tough time coping with grief is to go and find support locally.

"I think the best thing for a teen is to find somebody else who is in the same situation," she said. "That way they don't feel alone."

Carol Jonas, who runs Carousel, a Montreal support program for grieving children, says many parents don't know how to get kids to mourn.

"It's a death-denying society," she said. "Grief is what you hold inside you, and when you cry and tears come out, that's mourning."

She is regularly called into schools to help young children and teens who have lost a family member.

Jonas, who holds degrees in child studies and education, said some children don't want a surviving parent to know how they feel.

"They see the surviving parent crying and upset and they don't want to add anything to that."

Jonas said most kids are angry at the person for dying and are jealous of other kids who have a mother or father.

Her program is offered through NOVA West Island, a non-profit organization which provides care to cancer patients. She has helped support about 120 young people between the ages of four and 17 since the program began in February 2005.

She uses a number of ways to get children to express their feelings when they visit her centre.

"We throw plastic balls, we throw darts, we squish paper and we use shaving cream," Jonas said.

"One nine-year-old boy drew a heart in some shaving cream ... happiness for him was the heart."

Jonas also gets children to draw a carousel, which represents the circle of life, or she asks them to write down how they feel in a journal.

She admitted that it hasn't become any easier since she first started dealing with the heartbroken four years ago.

"It's harder for me when I know the person who has died," she said. "I don't always take it home with me ... sometimes I do."