Silent divorce: The growing relationship breakdown you can’t see in the stats

A couple sits in therapy. (Pexels)

A rising number of Canadian couples are staying together under the same roof, raising children, sharing bills and quietly drifting apart, according to experts.

Referred to as “silent divorce,” this phenomenon is a form of emotional separation that leaves couples physically present, but disengaged, long before they ever consider a formal split. While therapists say these circumstances show up more anecdotally instead of statistically, it’s not a new behaviour.

“That’s always been a reality. Now there’s a nice name to it. It’s the old version of ‘staying together for the kids,’” Andrew Sofin, president of the Canadian Association for Couple and Family Therapy (CACFT), told CTVNews.ca in an interview.

Sofin said many couples decide to stay together despite not having aligned wishes or desires, or lacking the intimacy and romance spark.

“It really is the quiet-quitting kind of phenomenon,” he added. “Usually what ends up happening is it all comes to an end when the youngest (child) goes away to university or leaves home.”

According to Statistics Canada, the number of divorces recorded in 2020 was 42,933 - the lowest since 1973. The decline in formal divorces per married couple doesn’t necessarily mean fewer overall relationship breakdowns. More couples may be separating without marrying in the first place.

For example, Ron Shulman, managing partner at Shulman & Partners LLP, told CTVNews.ca in an interview that the numbers also exclude the rising share of common-law couples.

He said the national divorce rate can be misleading for this reason.

“I think it’s a misconception when people equate divorce rate with inquiries relating to a breakdown of relationship,” he said, adding that a legal divorce only measures the dissolution of a marriage.

“You can have a divorce with no financial dispute, no parenting issue and no conflict at all, and it will be a part of the stats,” he explained, but these common-law breakups would not be included.

On the flip side, couples may not file for divorce, or delay filing, because they’re in serious conflict over parenting or property, which also prevents the stats from showing the full picture.

“The bigger question is, ‘How loaded or overloaded the courts are with potential disputes?’ and ‘How many people are inquiring with family lawyers?’ I think that is on the uptick,” he said.

While Canada’s official divorce rate has been trending downward for decades - falling to historic lows even before the COVID-19 pandemic - what therapists are seeing in practice suggests this doesn’t mean relationships are more stable.

Sofin, a Montreal-based intensive couples therapist, said the pressures created during COVID-19 did not simply disappear when restrictions lifted. Instead, may couples are still dealing with what he calls “the ripples from the shockwave that was COVID.”

“For many couples, it’s extremely difficult ... they are struggling. I think also when you start talking about cost of living, prices going up, wages being stagnant ... (it) adds another layer of stress on the couple.”

From his intensive couples therapy retreats, he has seen stress levels rise steadily over the past year, and it’s rarely just one issue.

“Whether it’s the finances, feeling more stressed around making ends meet, finding the time for intimacy or people feeling that they’re disconnected from their partner, both of them are working extremely hard,...” Sofin listed.

Which couples are most affected?

Sofin noted that silent divorces tend to appear most often in long-term couples with children, especially when finances and homeownership tie them together.

“Younger couples are just going to split,” he said. “This happens way more when there’s kids and when finances are intertwined. I actually see it more in wealthy families, because divorce is more complicated in terms of finances and real estate.”

But silent divorces rarely last forever. Many of these couples seek help later down the line, most commonly when the youngest child leaves home and the structure that kept them occupied disappears, Sofin explained.

“That quiet quitting no longer works. They’re confronted with, ‘What do we do now?’”

Others arrive in therapy only after a crisis, like an affair, breaks the standoff.

Shulman said silent divorces are becoming more visible in his practice.

“I do see more increase of inquiries where clients say, ‘Well I haven’t told my spouse we’re separating,’ or ‘I haven’t made a decision yet. I’m almost there but I want to talk to you about what it will financially look like,’” he said.

Shulman described this as silent divorce in action: people are emotionally checking out, but haven’t left the relationship because of financial situations.

When surges are expected and what causes them

Shulman’s family law office is noticing tension buildup. He said the firm typically sees an increase in divorce- and separation-related cases from September through the end of the year - citing a 10 to 15 per cent increase year-over-year.

But the nature of those inquires has shifted.

“We’re seeing an increase in inquiries related to the sales of home,” he explained, pointing to a struggling housing market and disagreement between couples about whether to “stay in the house and ride out the market” or “cash out.” The firm is seeing these disputes among both new clients and existing ones.

December brought its own pressures, many of which are related to parenting. While disputes always spike during the holidays, Shulman said the firm is seeing a notable surge this year in conflicts over travel and vacation agreements involving children.

“We do see an increase in travel requests. We’re seeing an uptick of overall more high-level disputes relating to temporary travel vacations, refusals for vacations and also disagreement on payments for various expenses,” he added.

January is traditionally the busiest month for divorce filings, and Shulman said he expects next year to be no different.

“We usually see people just starting a new year (and) wanting to move on,” he said. “We do see a trend up when the economy is not doing well. Financial disputes add significant complexity to it.”

Warning signs couples miss

Sofin said emotional disengagement often starts subtly, for example: choosing to spend less time together, avoiding intimacy and rationalizing a growing distance.

“When you don’t really want to spend time around your partner ... where intimacy feels more like a duty,...” he listed. ”It’s that feeling of being disengaged.”

His strongest message to couples: don’t wait.

“The minute you’re feeling disconnected from your partner or don’t feel like being around them, get help. Get help from somebody who’s really well-trained in couple and family therapy,” he warned.

He also warned couples that not all therapists are trained for this work.

“It can actually make the situation worse. Interview your therapist before hiring. Too many people go blindly into therapy without first checking if this person is well-trained in what you need help with,” he said.

Shulman’s advice is for couples to not escalate conflict before understanding the legal landscape.

“Keep the emotions down. What we often see is clients come to us after there is this emotional explosion,” he said.

“First, learn and understand the lay of the land. Half an hour with a lawyer can clear up a lot in terms of what to do and most importantly what not to do,” he advised.

Silent divorce may not show up in the data, but experts say it’s becoming impossible to ignore. And unless couples seek support early, many may not realize how far they’ve drifted until it’s too late.