'I love you but I hate you.' What to do when you can't stand your long-term partner

A couple sits by the lake in Cismigiu park, in Bucharest, Romania on April 24, 2024. (AP Photo/Vadim Ghirda, File)

It’s often said there is a thin line between love and hate, but is it OK to sometimes hate your long-term partner? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s practically necessary.

Asked about the secret to her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently said the key includes patience, perseverance and “a really good dose of hatred.”

“All of a sudden you literally want to hate each other. And then the next day, it’s a pretty, sunny day, and the dog does something cute or your child does something cute, and you look at each other and you’re like, ‘Aw, gosh,’” Curtis told Entertainment Tonight after picking up an Emmy Award for her role in “The Bear." “And you’re on another track.”

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Relationship experts say it’s normal for couples to experience moments of what feels like genuine hatred. The difference between couples who last and those who don’t can lie in how they handle their emotions in those moments.

“Hating the person you love is the most common thing in the world,” said Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist and author of “Am I Lying to Myself? How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth." “We think we’re supposed to love our partner all the time unconditionally, but that’s not the way it works.”

Yes, you should 'sweat the small stuff'

Stereotypical annoyances, like leaving the toilet seat up or cluttering the floor with shoes, accumulate when left unaddressed, said Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and author of “Five Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.”

To prevent pet peeves from growing into a bigger problem, it’s important to “sweat the small stuff,” said Orbuch, who in her research has followed hundreds of couples over the course of 36 years.

“What starts out as a small, irritating habit becomes, ‘You’re not listening to me. You don’t love me. Maybe we’re not right for one another, and I hate you,’” she said.

Criticizing an issue in the moment, however, isn’t the best approach, Orbuch said. Find a good time and situation to discuss it: away from kids and not right after work, just before leaving for the day or while tired in bed.

Be specific

Orbuch recommended opening the discussion with positives, then using what she called an XYZ statement. For instance, give examples that show you know they are a great partner overall, such as being a wonderful friend or being good to your mother. Then, follow with: when you do X (throw your clothes on the floor) in situation Y (instead of in the hamper), I feel Z (frustrated).

Then follow with: “Can we talk about that?”

Calling out a specific behavior helps your spouse or partner process the issue better than if you had accused them of having a character flaw, such as, “You’re such a slob.”

“We box that person in where they don’t know what to say or what to change to alleviate the frustration,” Orbuch said.

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When you can, highlight the loving moments

Greer said a great way to help hateful moments dissipate faster is to build up a reservoir of positive emotions. Take note not only of aspects of your partner that you adore, but also why they make you feel good.

If your partner gives you flowers, for example, instead of simply thanking them, let them know how you felt when you received them. Saying you appreciate the flowers because it showed they had listened to something you needed helps to reinforce those positive emotions, she said.

“When you’re feeling the love, it’s important to label it,” Greer said. “It’s important to say, ‘You know what, I’m having a love-you moment.’”