Do you need a bulky TV from the 1990s, a ceramic stork-thingy, a slightly used toaster or a 2001 Oldsmobile (with a spoiler)?

Then give Sandy Stocks a call. His mom passed away a few weeks ago, and she left behind “a hell of a lot of stuff” that he needs to unload.

“You should wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch. Tomorrow would be fine,” according to the obituary for Mary Patricia Stocks that was published on July 18.

Mary Patricia Stocks died at the age of 94 earlier this month, so her son wrote her the only kind of obituary he felt would do her justice: a tongue-in-cheek tribute to a woman with a foul mouth, a quick wit and a tendency to burn everything she touched in the kitchen.

“She left behind a hell of a lot of stuff to her daughter and sons who have no idea what to do with it,” Sandy Stocks wrote in the obit. “This is not an ad for a pawn shop, but an obituary for a great woman, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother,” he added.

The obituary goes on to describe Mary Patricia’s “school of hard knocks” style of parenting, her tendency to freeze sandwiches and overcook dinners, her love-‘em-or-hate-‘em attitude with people, and her undying love for her family.

“Pat was well-known for her patience, not holding back her opinion and a knack for telling it like it is,” the obituary says.

Sandy Stocks said he felt compelled to write the humorous obituary because a more traditional tribute wouldn’t have done her justice.

“I could never write an obit that said she was a beautiful, wonderful person,” he told CTV’s Canada AM on Wednesday. “That’s not my mother.”

Instead, Stocks tried to portray his mother as a “little tiger,” the way her family will always remember her.

“I wrote that, really, for the grandchildren and the great-grandchildren,” Stocks said, explaining that he was nervous to present the bold obituary to his relatives, but they all loved its funny tone when he did.

“They were absolutely killing themselves laughing,” he said.

Sandy Stocks says he and his mother were very much alike, so he’s glad he got to write her obituary.

“That probably is my obit too,” he added.

The family will hold a private “celebration of life” in lieu of a funeral service, “due to her friends not being able to attend, because they decided to beat her to the Pearly Gates.”

Mary-Patricia also outlived her husband, her eldest daughter, and four pets all named Tag.

She is survived by a brother, three children, a son-in-law, a step-son, 10 grandchildren and five great-grandchildren.

And though his mother is gone, Sandy Stocks says there’s not “much” he will miss about her. “My mother left us with so much memories,” he said.