'America, but better': Satirical Canada Party 'enters' U.S. election race
Brian Calvert is shown in this promotional poster for the Canada Party. (The Canada Party)
Published Friday, January 29, 2016 9:02AM EST
Sorry, Americans, but there's only one political party fit to govern the United States.
It's called the Canada Party, and its tongue-in-cheek spokesman is promising to deliver "America, but better," if our country is elected in 2016.
That's right: the Canada Party is offering up the entire Canadian population to govern the United States – some 34 million of "the politest people you will ever meet, working in shifts" to lead the U.S.
Pitchman Brian Calvert lays out the Canada Party's satirical platform in a video posted to YouTube, in which he directly addresses Canadians' neighbours to the south.
"As your whitest neighbour, we realize you don't think about us very much. But that's okay, because we've been thinking about you," Calvert says in the video.
Calvert lists off many of the problems our country could solve for the United States, including gun control and racism.
"Your country is on fire, and your leaders are whittling sticks for their marshmallows," Calvert says. "And Congress is debating whether guns have the right to marry other guns.
"We'll help solve your race problem, just as soon as we figure out why you still have a race problem," he adds.
The satirical Canada Party has been around since 2012, when it first threw its toque into the U.S. election race.
This year it's returned, with a strong Twitter presence to back its latest video. During the last few Republican and Democratic debates, for instance, the Canada Party tweeted several biting comments about U.S. foreign policy.
The #FOXDebate is doing a whole section on domestic terrorism, all highlighting Muslims. Not one Q about whites. Please check your stats.— The Canada Party (@theCanadaParty) January 29, 2016
blahblah...iowaflattery...blahblah...Muslims...blahblah...abortions...blahblah...thanksobama...#FOXDebate— The Canada Party (@theCanadaParty) January 29, 2016
The party was founded by writer and former U.S. Marine Chris Cannon, who now lives in Vancouver, and Canadian actor Brian Calvert.
The Canada Party website includes a full list of platform ideas, all with tongue-in-cheek suggestions to "fix" America's problems. For instance, on the issue of gay rights, they propose "that America allow one gay couple to marry for every straight couple that gets divorced." In terms of immigration, the Canada Party suggests launching a series of reality shows based on unrest in other countries. And when it comes to gun control, they suggest each gun should have the right to carry its own gun, to protect itself from its owners.
"We know America is a great country, we just want to make it good again," Calvert says in the party's pitch video.